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The three outstanding characteristics of the Trump administration are: 1) constant, outrageous lying, 2) monetizing all policy, 3) threatening and bullying to get what the president wants. Now that institutions are caving in to the bullying, I expect the education publishing industry will follow suit and future history books will have the following entries.
After discovering the Gulf of America, Columbus made a trade deal with the Aztecs then living in That Country Just South of Us.
George Washington made a fortune chopping down cherry trees. He generously shared his profits with the Black folks happily living on his plantation.
After his “Give me Liberty or give me Death” speech, Patrick Henry got a great deal on car insurance.
Thomas Jefferson bought Louisiana from France for $1.95 after slapping a tariff on baguettes.
Abraham Lincoln bought the Gettysburg address, immediately put in a shopping mall and some very nice condos.
After winning the Civil War, Colonel Sanders was the first presidential candidate to choose a chicken as his VP. Donald Trump would later top that by choosing a zombie his first term, and a hillbilly his second.
The most famous gunfight in American history was at the O.K. Corral at Mar-a-Largo, where Doc Trump out-dueled Mad Dog DeSantos.
Calvin Coolidge, a left-wing lunatic from the Peoples Republic of Vermont, came to his senses in 1923 and declared, “The business of the nation is business.” His son, Bernie Sanders, recanted it all and took over the Communist/Democratic Party in a coup.
Donald Trump’s dramatic charge up San Juan Hill was the turning point in World War II, ensuring victory over Canada and Denmark. It also earned him the John Wayne Prize for Extraordinary Heroism and Best Actor in a War Scene.
After failing to summit Mount Everest, Martin Luther King lied when he told us he’d been to the mountaintop.
Elon Musk bought the moon in 1969, giving the U.S. the ability to land a thoroughly white, 100th-generation-American man on it to set up a Tesla charging station.
Ronald Reagan proved scientifically that ketchup is a vegetable. Later he discovered Greenland, only to have it stolen away by Denmark.
Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton led the Boston Massacre, fired on Fort Sumter, bombed Pearl Harbor, assassinated JFK, blew up the World Trade Center, unleashed the COVID pandemic, and stormed the Capitol building in egregious attacks on America’s economy.
Donald Trump won the 2024 election in a landslide, carrying all 51 states.
After “The Art of the Deal” earned him the Nobel Prize, Donald Trump brought the country great prosperity by raising all prices and firing tens of thousands of people.
President Trump righteously withdrew the U.S. from NATO, the Not Agreeable to Trump Organization. He then founded JAWOHL, Justly Allowing White Oligarchs Huge Largesse.
The Oxford English Dictionary added “bigly” as an adverb in 2025.
It took Trump only one day to end the war in Ukraine, when he convinced their dictator Zelenskyy to stop thumbing his nose and daring Russia to invade. To atone for their transgression, the Ukrainians gave Russia all their children and the U.S. a lifetime supply of sunflower seeds.
Trump banned DEI when he heard it stood for “Donald Equals Idiot.”
In 2024, Elon Musk bought exclusive rights to all solar eclipses.
Hit by punishing tariffs, penguins agreed to give half their fish catch to the U.S.
The National Park Service blasted away the irrelevant figures on Mount Rushmore to create Mount Trumpmore, featuring the president in three naturally heroic poses. Everyone said it was beautiful. The entire project was funded by tariffs on Hungarian goulash.
Congressional Republicans created and endowed a new prize for the three most consequential companies in American history. The trophy and prize money were awarded and then immediately retired, going to Colt, Smith & Wesson, and Remington.
In 2027, Elon Musk bought Mars, because he could.
This history brought to you by Gaza Resorts. Book your vacation on the stunning beaches of the only American territory on the Mediterranean now. Palestinians need not apply.
Of course, all the above is based on the bold assumption there will even be history books in the future — and people who can read them.
Tommy Walz lives in Barre.
