Before commissioning her new oh-woe-is-me book, Hillary Clinton apparently didn’t get the memos:
Like, “Self-pity is not good box office.” That one’s from an old-time Hollywood producer. Or from Travis Tritt: “Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.”
In case you’ve missed it, Hillary’s new book, “What Happened,” basically blames everyone in the world except herself for her loss in the presidential race last year.
A partial list of those at whom she shakily points her finger at: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Matt Lauer, Carlos Danger, James Comey and The New York Times.
Seriously, the Times — the paper whose publisher and editor basically apologized after the election for not covering the campaign (not that the young Jayson Blairs on the staff actually wanted to venture out to those yucky places where the voters Hillary calls Deplorables live).
These same Hillary hagiographers now say that Democrats are sick about this book coming out, but I’m loving it. At nearly 70, Hillary’s as clueless as ever. She admits it was “bad optics” to do all those $225,000-a-pop Goldman Sachs shakedowns, I mean speeches, but now she’s charging $1,500 per person to attend her book-signing in Toronto.
Talking about Vladimir Putin, she says Donald Trump is his “friendly puppet” — so what does that make Hillary, signing off on the Russkies taking 20 percent of the nation’s uranium supply, after which she collected tens of millions of rubles for the Clinton Foundation while her husband suddenly started grabbing $500,000 per “speech” on a tour of the former Soviet Union?
Speaking of Bill, she says he spent election day “chomping on an unlit cigar.” Wow. Fill in your own cigar/Monica Lewinsky joke here.
Then there’s her last conversation with Barry Soetoro before the polls opened: “You’ve got this.” Then he told her, “If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan.”
Just kidding about that one.
OK, you say, but after a lifetime of back-stabbing, cork-screwing and double-dealing, maybe now, as Hillary approaches the checkout counter, she is trying to get right with God and finally tell the truth.
Er, no, she’s not.
Of her “marriage,” if you can call it that, to Bill Clinton, she says there have been “many, many more happy days than sad or angry ones.”
And that’s the truth, or she didn’t win 100 percent of her bets on cattle futures back in Arkansas after diligently studying the commodities column of The Wall Street Journal.
“I asked myself the questions that mattered to me. Do I still love him? … The answers were always yes.”
Do you believe her? The answer is always no.
Now Hillary begins her book tour, complete with stops in Wisconsin, the great cheese state she never deigned to visit pre-Nov. 8. Again, fill in your own joke here.
I just thought of one final memo she didn’t get, from Dan Hicks of Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks fame:
“How can we miss you when you won’t go away?”
Buy Howie’s new book, “Kennedy Babylon,” at howiecarrshow.com.